When heart is caught up in a maze!

As a pre note : The below said things are not only taken from my life, but from situations I see around, so don’t relate it to people close to me or ones ever been part of my life, and this is not to hurt anyone’s emotions, but just to support strong women :)

I am trying to think through a Woman's heart when it is all caught up in a maze. How bad it can be, what all feelings and emotions can run through her mind, confused on what all is happening around. As always I am taking the role of third person view of situations of a woman going through the pain and my justified thoughts for every situation. This is just an effort to understand what women go through of course the strong Women I see around. And I want to support all women around me, only the "Strong one's", men can have a question here why so gender biased, all women are not good as it seems. They also breaks heart. I know, I feel ashamed thinking of such women who are mean, with cheap intentions, coward, immature and who don't care about others pain. They always need a men to support and not at all guilty of using the men and cheating behind him. Being a women of quality such things makes me feel disgusting about such woman and they are shame and biggest threat to the  entire Women world. Over to the story of a real woman.

"She is beautiful", when I say this do you think she is the one with perfect shape and perfect face without wrinkles, then you are mistaken. She has wrinkles of all the laughter she had in her life, scars of all pain she went through, dark circles of sleepless nights crying loud, she is not in perfect shape; so what made her beautiful. It is her heart which is so beautiful even after carrying lot of bandaids of breakups and sorrys she had to acknowledge and still been the most beautiful one. Those eyes speaks a lot, and Men can see lust may be, but pure love is very hard to be seen and felt. She started thinking this way!

Today my mind has tons of things to write, but is it because that I m confused on which topic among them to think about, I am stuck or is it because my life seems to be at a halting point after a lot of running, events and hectic days? Whatever be, even if it’s is a halt she was confident that won’t be too long a one. She said herself, "I will rise dear like a Phoenix bird from all that which tried to let me down"- she promised herself. I am made to win and there is a lot of effort put by genuine people to carve the person I am today, and I cannot let their efforts down for some wild wind which tried to pull me down to the earth. My wings will again take shape and I will fly high. This tough time will go eventually, even if it gave me many abrasions; I will come out of it much stronger, that nothing can ever stop me. She whispered to her throbbing heart.

The questions popping up in her mind, am I too naive, but I am so energetic and my Aura makes people live. Was I bad in finding what is right and wrong for me or was it like, I trusted people around thinking they are fair and transparent like me, most of the time it’s not. She witnessed something so scary, the real face of some people, and it hurt her coz she never wanted to see that face, all these while how did they manage to show the other sweet face of them which she believed to be theirs. Not even a hunch on how bad it can be. She told herself, no this is not the person I trusted, not the one I loved. This is some other person in front of me, coz she was not willing to believe that scary face is of her loved one. Is that the one she thought as her own, has fooled her and was taking advantage ? But when she raised voice, it is arrogance, they didn't know it wasn't she speaking then, it is the noise made by her screaming heart.

She wrote a quote which just popped up in her mind in her diary:

"I tried to find the best thing ever happened to me in others when it was away from me, but forgot the fact that best is only one!
And quality in people is very scarce now a days."

It is not always the heartbreak caused by lost love when a Woman writes down her pain, but there can be many other reasons than it, may be she is confused, like what step to take next, like a way to relief her wavering mind, and when things get changed from what she expected. It’s not an easy world, everyday new challenges, people changing, wolves in sheeps skin, so lot a woman with pure hearts is facing every other day.  They can be weak crying on it and leaning on someone, but strong women won’t play victim, they just walk away when they feel unwanted, and let karma play with them the actual game. We should not even think about such people, it is smart to ignore. One thing I always wonder is how people plays with others emotions. But truth cannot hide for long and she may fall down on the floor. The Pheonix in her is still live and she will sprung open her wings and fly high, where the people tried to let her down cannot even dream to reach. Her genuine love will see that with filled eyes, yes with tears of happiness that his efforts didn't go waste and she preserved the light from dying! What else she can give him back. That's what he wants, the most beautiful way to pay him back for his support and prayers. Yes, he meant it lady; " I have your back, I will pick you up whenever you fall", even if he is not around, those words are enough for you to live thousands years and keep you motivated. 

To all women out there, I would like to quote the lyrics of this song:

Don't doubt it, don't doubt
Oh, oh, oh, oh
You know it, you know it
Still rise
Just fight it, just fight it
Don't be surprised, I will still rise

Her Diary!!!

I came across her diary and one entry made me to stop and go through it. The title was a little interesting to me, and I decided to take a sneak peak, even though reading a personal diary isn't a good thing.

The realisation upto her is so beautiful and true that I couldn't stop myself from sharing, keeping all my ethics on not disclosing the characters.

"Realization is most of the times hard, when it comes to relations. But I am lucky to have both sides of it at the same time. One side of my mind was drenched and destroyed just like after a flood and other part was pleasant like a blooming garden. The realisation that took me out from my fantasy world to reality. I was living all these while trusting a fake story, which was made up by humans around to satisfy their needs. I wasn't even knowing there is a real world and reality about my existence as the fake world looked so beautiful and was hoping to live it for ever. But time reveals what is genuine, what is fake; what all promises are kept, what all were just words, where real love was, and where I am used; yes it's heart breaking.

I wasn't having a hope to get back my reality as I have gone miles and miles away from it, living my life in the dream world. But I was wrong, the reality, the true love has the power to forgive everything. The realisation of fake put me down, and I sat on the floor crying , as I know there is nothing left over, as fake was laughing at me thinking it fooled me and I knew going back to reality is no chance now. But the real love, the genuineness was still there waiting for me to get out of her fantasy dream and take her hand. Today I realized what was the dark which blinded me, emotionally fooled me, used me and the light of love who forwarded the hands to pick me up when I fell. The promises of fake went all broken, coz when I had to go through the hardest day of my life yet, fake just ran away.

Now I am trying to tie the broken knots of past and realizing that every argument was an escapade an excuse. I was ignored, but the fake words deceived me and I went on trusting every word. I feel bad that I was used as a tool for someone's glory, but I feel contented that I could learn a lesson, the toughest one in my life and now I have cleared it too. "

She concludes her story by these words, "yes I have trust issues, coz what we see is not true always. A smiling face can turn to be a devil's whose intention is to drink your blood. And trust issues is what I gained to be part of this fake world, the ultimate realization".

Musings 2

This is a linked matter of my FB post I did last month. I think this should be somewhere in my blog itself, as these are my musings :)

The love story of Sun and Earth, the ones who can never be together and far apart, but still keeping their promises everyday. 

Sun : My love, Earth, I want to see you happy always. 

Earth : I would be happy, if you keep the promise of love.

Quoting how Sun keeps his promise everyday again:

"Kissing his love, with his first rays. She being joyful to see the love of her life keeping his promise everyday, from miles and miles apart, shining for her. Only her! "

Their conversation is so lovely, romantic and the depth of their love evident. 

Sun : How different we are; I am just a matter of fierceness and you so tender and enormously beautiful with all your wealthy nature. We are seeing each other from this far, and there is no hope of we being together. And you still love me?

Earth : You are a matter of fierceness for others, but for me you are the reason I am alive. You are the nurturing factor of my wealthy nature, my beauty. You are the handsomest one for me. Yes I do love you, without any expectations, claiming no rights on you! But you would be my love forever, and my endless wait for you continues...

The Plantar Fasciitis which slowed me down.

This post was in my drafts for long. Something was holding back me from posting this. 
Its my personal experience, and hopefully a good read for you.

2017 has all started with new hopes, aspirations and lots of energy. I could see the vibe in me taking me through lot of things, and I was into multiple things. My friends used to tell me, what all you are doing. You have an ongoing enthusiasm somewhere hidden girl. I was also enjoying it, all the hard work and the success coming out of it. My work, my relationship building, my ability to make people around me happy, my baking skills all was coming under fruition than I thought.

While enjoying the success of all my hard work, life hit my back so strong with a heel pain. Initial days it was thought of as a normal pain due to workouts, that may go in sometime. I ignored and was into my workouts and running regime as usual. But things were getting worse. I could feel I am getting disabled because of it. I am not able to walk or run as before. Gone through lot of medications and analysis, and everyone has the same answer. This is Plantar Fasciitis, usually a runners problem and when you have a flat foot! They don't have any medicines to cure, but they said time can only heal it, and how long? They don't have an answer.. And the worst part of it was yet to come, they asked me to refrain from my workouts, the sole thing which was adding to my energy, my enthusiasm. Literally I refrained from everything because of that, everything that I was enjoying.

It hit me like a tornado, I lost my confidence in life. I felt like its the end of my life. There is nothing I can do further. The person who always have something to do, called a hyper, has laid herself inside the four walls. I remember those days now, and its still scary. I can't even imagine I have gone through it. All I could just do was to cry, thinking about my situation. The strong lady who stood like a rock in many upsetting situations, is shattered. Yes, I am stuck, I wont be able to do things as I was doing before. But my mind was not ready to accept to live like that. The frustration became depression. 

People says, when you go through hard times, then is when you will understand the people around. I could understand who cared about me more. My family and friends, but especially my husband and kid, they were more concerned than anyone else. They gave me the strength again to live, and the motivation to dream more. The depressing days started to diminish. Even with PF still there, I could take hold of my mind back. I have started to adjust with the situation, rather as I always say embrace the situation and move on. All these because of backing they gave. Now my physical illness is still in recovering process, and yes I know I am not able to do things as before. But they made me understand, its fine to slow down sometimes. This is not the end of world or end of your life. You have a life which welcomes you with lot of hopes and aspirations. You should get up and be the old enthusiastic one. 

I decided, at least for the sake of my family and friends, I need to get up. Get up from the mental trauma, which was pulling me back. Everyone would need to go through such slow downs in their life, but those things should not stop you in your life. "It is fine to slow down and then get up to pace, but it is not advised to stop!"

So now, my mind is prepared to accept the situation, and I am giving it the time for mother nature to cure. Hopefully very soon I would be able to be the old Swathy, in my physical activities too!

Musings 1

I would have lot of this type, so numbering it as first 😋


Years and years passed, she the wave wanted to meet her beloved beach. She never let her hope to drown, that she can make him hers. She was outrageous sometimes, coz no one was able to understand her emotions. Even her beloved beach. He told her, I can't be yours. She fell , shattered, was calm for a moment and people started thinking she is no more. Then the time came, when she bursted out with all her rage to conquer her own beach. Wandering like a wild animal through the streets and almost spoiling everything she saw.   People called it with a pet name Tsunami. But who knew the real pain. And what she did after that, she couldn't see her beach in pain, and left the land, back to her home, saying a whisper to her beloved. Man! I love you. But cannot see you hurt. She still dances with the winds, and dreams about her meaningless wish of being his bride.

Now you know my philosophy has reached a dangerously critical stage, and should be soon taken to mental hospital 😝

The Multifaceted, SORRY!!

I was lying on my couch sipping the coffee little by little, drenched in my thoughts.

I was running like a wild zombie to catch up every bit of my life and that's one way I enjoy the old moments which would never be back and of course it has an implied side effect that it reminds moments of pain, ha obviously tears would roll out, and it happens to the pure hearts' alone.

I was wondering how many times this word is used in my life, probably can be ranked NO #1 in usage. "Sorry", ever thought about the fact that it has multiple faces to show to different people and to different situations. The topic seemed interesting to my "always find me new things" mind and thought to stop the zombie run and have a focused run behind this "Sorry".

So whenever I research on things, whatever be the topic, I would like to take each persons seat and understand the situation from their perspective. This is something which I got inborn I think, not a forced one. I guess, it is because I am a very true Libra, who has to come up with a justified answer every time, and of course then everyone involved should be considered. So like any other topic, here too I imagined myself in different roles, situations; the "Requester" and the "Acknowledger" in all possible situations I could think about.


So I am now in the seat of the requester, the moments I have asked  Sorry to someone. I could feel how relieved I felt after asking sorry to someone I hurt. It can be from a simple dropping her book down to extreme extend of breaking a heart; and I could see how each Sorry is different, and we use the same word thinking it can heal all the mishaps whether it is a simple one or extremely harmful thing. But fortunately, for me I haven't ever touched that extreme line. So if someone thinks that I have been to extremes, please be open about it, coz its out of my knowledge and I haven't asked a Sorry for that yet. I really owe Sorry for those people, and wish to do that at least. So as I said, for a person who asks for sorry, even though the intensity of situations are different, everyone was relieved of the suffocation in their hearts after they asked for one. More or less, its just an escapade, where people think asking a sorry would help them escape from all the troubles they created, and they smart people are back to their world.

But ever thought about the person who is in the other side acknowledging your Sorry? Ha, so for the justified outcome, I need to switch the seat to the Acknowledgee, now. It has also the same simple to extreme versions according to the situation. Yes, it does carry a relative degree in the amount of pain caused, but this is the person who carries the pain of the Sorry after that situation, and some ones, even lasting his entire life. The person asking Sorry would never ever think about this, how the same word would reflect on the other person. When he is relieved from his suffocation, the other one is put into pain and he piggybacks this his entire life.

So "sorry" is an art just like Leonardo Davinci's Monolisa. The undefined, the unpredictable, dual faced, yet sometimes unforgettable moments in someone's life.

Here I am taking an extreme example to see the relativity better, from two person's perspective;

Person A : Hey, Its unfortunate I know. But, Sorry to break your heart. I never meant it!
Person B : Stares at A for a moment. Is that I heard right? He is asking a Sorry? Oh yeah, he wants to be relieved from the troubles he has caused in a single word. Ahh! It hurts isn't it.
With a made up smile, B says, Ohh, its fine. I am ok!

This is a decent way B behaves, and don't think every time you are a Person A, who would get such a perfect answer your hoped for. Sometimes, it can be even worse, pouring the hot soup over A's face, which leaves A staring back at B.

But ultimately, what happened, either case A is not affected, or A is affected somewhat with small temporary burns he can survive with. And see what happened to B; He is living with the heavy heart knowing the fact that whatever hoped for was just a dream and with lot of questions around "what" and "why". B would have the permanent mark of the wound, as it is on his heart. Seems cell regeneration over there is somewhat very slow or nil. Each wound would leave a mark over there, with a pointer to the memory system, our brain, and each time that memory location is fetched, this mark will be refreshed, giving some pain of the wound again. I know, I have gone a little computer organization way here. Excuse me! But the idea behind would be very much clear to any one out there, I guess!


So whenever you are in such situations, especially asking for a sorry, please think about the impression it would have in the other person's mind. Don't give false hope to anyone and mess them up. Because for you Sorry is a beautiful faced escape mechanism, and for the counter person, its an ugly faced devil, hanging on his memories for ever. Because, you would  never know when she will show her ugly face on you! And next time you promise something to someone, make sure you don't have to ask sorry for that ever, coz it won't be always mellifluous to listen, like Justin Beiber's baby I am sorry song, for the person who has to acknowledge it!

Buckled up for Christmas!

Jingle bells again! Much awaited time of the year, enjoying Christmas and hoping for a brand new year which brings us good new things and a journey of 12 months staring at us, no smiling at us, it should be :) Even if it turns scary, we should always hope for the best :P

Homes would start smelling sweet wine, pastries, cinnamon rolls, freshly baked breads, casseroles, and the showstopper, the plum cake. Not all,  that's my expectation of my home ;) just like an English story, isn't it. I don't think a Malayali would have a Christmas without plum cake.  For me everything is good if explained in food terminology, and of course the main objective of this vacation being that. I have a huge list planned this time too, a little English, French and Mexican aligned. Also, my one year old is waiting there, and I am also longing to see her. Don't think too much; Its not that you think. I wasn't carrying a baby 1 yr back :) I am talking about my 1year old wine, I made her last holiday season :)

Christmas memories are very few for me as a kid, as I am from an orthodox Hindu family. That is what it is  said to be, but I never obeyed any. The thing is I wont entertain anything that's imposed to me. For me everything should come naturally,  I should feel something interesting about things I do. So my only memories as a kid are that of the stars each year and the store bought Plum cake. I am not a big fan of plum cakes then, most of it was going to the Gemini 's belly and she enjoys the fact that I disliked it, as she has no competition.That time I had a wrong impression about liquor that it is poison and plum cakes use to have that. So I was under impression, if I take that I would die. And my sister was a story teller too, she makes stories to make me believe, and I, the fool believed everything she said and gives away almost every goodies I used to get :P May be I am grown up like that, now too I like to give away things to others even if its special for me, and enjoyed when the other person is happy. Oh see! How nice I am no.


I still remember the Pink star my Achan brought for one Christmas. I am so much obsessed about pink from then, you know, so romantic me :) I used to switch off all lights and stare at it as long as I can, till my eyes catches the sleep and falls asleep there and my Achan used to carry me. Ohh, that was one of the best parts being a kid and I pretended to be asleep lot of times for this :P The pink star, my favorite, had small holes as design and silver linings and I use feel like I am in a fairy tale, when those rays falls into my face. That time I had no clue of disco lights, otherwise would have imagined myself in Disco :P Thank God, I was not aware ;) 

The trend has changed during my graduation days where I was also becoming a part of this wonderful day, and always looked forward for this day to spend with my close friends. There was a rule set within our team, yeah the triplets. Onam at my home and Christmas at Jee's home. We three had the best of our days during those 4 years. Even in the small fights between each other, I am damn sure we 3 wont have such a time ever in our life. Life was enjoyed fullest. Jee I still remember the special dishes prepared for us, your special guests that day and we used to spend the whole day puling legs, and even making fun of others. Anything we were doing together were awesome! nnno other word to explain.

Deviation: Jee  and Sindu used to tell me I am like my mom when it comes to feeding guests. Finally they end up eating till nose tip :P Hmm, So now I know why I put down 5 kgs in Bangalore. Going home, the only scariest thought is, putting on weight. But I think we should never get regretted about it, coz family time really matters, and should feel lucky how craving they are making us by making those special , tasty food.

So once I got into the job, to the Christmas memories went on getting added by a ton of experiences and still getting adding on. Now that I have a little boy at home, who is brought up in a way to enjoy every single occasion, he waits eagerly for this time, to set up the tree, the Chrismas lunch and dinner, and going out with us. For many years now, we are celebrating Christmas as it needs to be, going to church (just the visit, not the mass part) and food part especially. I don't have any restrictions when its food, any occasion calls for it, I am ready ;) Then it was Christmas gifts from company, Christmas outings, cubicle decorations, me as Shanti claus :P (Idea by Meghz) and acted by me :P, so tons and tons of that. I still have one Christmas gift given by my old company, a clutch purse, which is 7 year old now, and almost started to tore, and I replaced it with a new one. Don't know why, it was so much close to heart, that I don't wanted to let it go. Yup, I have a problem of getting emotionally attached to some materials too, and I feel like it too feels the same when I leave it behind. Crazy isn't it  :D

This year I am looking forward for my friends gang to come down to my home, 2 gangs planned now, and my family gang obviously should be treated separately and specially. I have already prepared the Spread plan for all the meals and its that I just need to try out. I am having new additions in my menu, which I am trying out for first time, and a little tensed, whether it comes out good or not. Anyway cooking is something I greatly enjoy and kitchen being my amusement park, there is room for all adventures, unless someone gets harmed by my food :P

So now you know I am having different sessions of party for each of my gangs, and obviously the dishes multiplied. If everything comes out good, as I expected it to be, you can see live updates in my FB. Not only that, the hangouts with friends, family, everything sort of would be my new statuses, everyday. I know you guys will curse me, to stuff your FB with my updates. Sorry guys! I am a spoiled kid who used to make lot of noise. I was the noisy one at home and among friends and my gang would be reverse of me. Because other noisy one cannot handle me :P I always wish to enjoy loudly with my close ones, to scream out and tell everyone I know what I am doing and how I am doing, Yes so loudly! Dirty minds, No pun intended! Ha, even some people doesn't seem to care how good I am keeping, as their friend, I have the responsibility to tell them ,how I am doing.

This is a much advanced wish, but cannot avoid it in this post, as its the main subject;

"Wishing everyone out there a very Happy Christmas and a New Year full of hopes and dreams coming true!"

And my wish and prayer to God is to have all of my friends and family to be part of my life, every Christmas as joyful as now is, now and then, and keeping the bond growing stronger by each year.